


i forget until

by OnlyLoveHere



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Abuse, Angst, F/F, F/M, Poetry, Rape Mentions, abuse survivor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 20:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6921388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyLoveHere/pseuds/OnlyLoveHere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is not a fandom work. This is something I wrote for me about something that has, and still happens to me.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i forget until

I forget until my mother asks if we’re friends again  
It’s my fault really  
I brought you up,  
to help my brothers with their computers  
“Are you and he talking again?”  
I can’t say more than no, because she doesn’t know  
I could never tell her  
So I just give her a clipped “no”  
“I just thought maybe you were friends again”  
“Nope”  
If she knew, I doubt she’d ask  
I doubt she’d want your help  
I doubt she’d want to talk about it  
Just like you didn’t

I forget until I’m practicing karate with my brother  
It’s not his fault  
He doesn’t know what you did,  
when we were alone together  
He’s stronger than me now  
And when he grabs my arm so hard, it’s just a joke  
I could never tell him  
About the panic rising up inside me  
Because now it overcomes me  
Let go  
He doesn’t know, but he sees it in my eyes  
He sees it when my breath speeds up  
He sees it and he lets go  
Just like you wouldn’t

I forget until our first date and she asks for a kiss  
It could never be her fault  
I told her no,  
as a joke but also a test  
“What if I said please?”  
“Do you really think I’d stop you?”  
I could stop her if I wanted  
So I give her a light brush with my lips  
Because I don’t want to stop her  
Because I couldn’t stop you  
She knows, but doesn’t ask  
Doesn’t ask for too much  
Doesn’t ask me to not fight back  
Unlike you did

I forget until I get an email from you  
That one’s on you  
You invaded my life again,  
after you promised you wouldn’t  
You never could listen to me  
You want meet up, and I had to go  
Because I needed to know  
If you could be there and I could be me  
So I sat there and listened to you make small talk  
Because you were uncomfortable  
Because you felt awkard  
Because you didn’t know how to say what you wanted to say  
Two hours to apologize

I forget until I’m alone  
But it’s still on you  
Because what you did,  
some people don’t even consider bad  
“At least he didn't rape you.”  
Right. Because if you didn’t force yourself in me  
And I didn’t say no  
And if I didn’t try to fight you off  
Then it doesn’t count  
At least you didn’t hit me  
At least you didn't rape me  
At least you didn’t kill me  
At least it could have been worse  
At least, fuck you

I will always forget until  
Probably never  
What you did to me,  
that will always be a part of my life  
Every time I have to tell myself I’m fine  
Just like before, because I’m never really sure if I am  
And I’ll never really tell you  
Because you’d pass it off if I tried  
And besides, I can forget until  
It’s too quiet  
Or too loud  
Or I drive by your old house  
Or someone asks about you  
So I forget until then.


End file.
